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THE LINE KING: Week 1 and college football is already ruined, but we'll still watch

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Editor's note: The following story is commentary.

(RNN) - Opening week.

Here we go again. Another long, drawn-out season of mediocre Division I college football and still no playoff – the only sport (in the history of sport) not to have a real playoff. Oh sure, we are all giddy about the "Plus-1" plan that is being stuffed down our throats. In the end, Alabama will ruin that model as well and we will continue to be force fed media-manufactured National "Championship" games. Games that The Line King will refuse to watch – he hasn't watched one play each of the last two seasons and as far as he can tell hasn't missed a thing.

Watching two mid-pack, "mid-major" teams that are jacked up about just getting invited to the pre-Christmas New Mexico Bowl has more appeal than sitting around for 10 weeks after the last regular season game to think about how bad Alabama will beat the over-hyped, media-flavor team of the year.

Boring!

Oh well, my good friend and editor Skeeter Brown asked me to do this column again this year, so here we go … although half gets edited out.

2012 Record: More wins than losses.

Aug. 29

North Carolina @ South Carolina -11

Wouldn't it be great if UNC's Larry Fedora would actually start wearing a Fedora? He doesn't, he wears a visor and now, he goes up against the ultimate visor. This line might be a bit skewed, but take the original visor over the wannabe visor.

Mississippi @ Vanderbilt +3.5

Ol' Hugh Freeze has the Mississippi faithful all hot-and-bothered about a 7-6 season – really? Meanwhile, the Vandy fan kills for 7-6 seasons and last year got – a nine-win season! - including winning 7 straight to end the season. When was the last time Vanderbilt won 7 games in a row? Take Vandy because they overachieve and Mississippi is the ultimate underachiever. This actually could be a very good game.

Aug. 30

Texas Tech @ SMU +5.5

The folks in Lubbock have to be confused by what happened to them last season…then they get their hero Kliff Kingsbury and all is well. There still are plenty of pretty important questions – like at quarterback and offensive Line. SMU fans have to be confused too; they joined the Big East and got the conference formerly known as the Big East … rumor has it, the conference will only use a logo this season. Ponies are Tech's buzz kill.

Aug. 31

Western Kentucky +4 vs Kentucky (Nashville – makes total sense)

Wouldn't it be great if Petrino wore a neck brace on the sidelines? Clearly, Kentucky debunks the "$EC is competitive top-to-bottom" argument. Opposing teams have a greater chance of being stopped by an ebola virus outbreak than by the Kentucky defense. Fear not, basketball season is only three months away. Jed Clampett makes a triumphant return and WKU wins again.

Toledo @ Florida -23.5

Somebody needs to remind MAC teams that Urban Meyer doesn't coach at Florida anymore – there is no connection anymore. Although Florida traditionally lays an early egg, take the Swamp.

Mississippi State @ Oklahoma State -12.5

Mississippi State is the fly-in-the-$EC punch bowl. If the "$EC is better top-to-bottom" theory holds true, then the Bulldogs should come away with a win. More likely, they will get embarrassed and Mike $live will announce that Mississippi State will be joining the SunBelt for the remainder of the season.

Rice +26.5 @ Texas A&M

Johnny Football has turned the $EC turned into another version of "ET" – minus Mary Hart's stems. But is he really the $EC version of Lindsay Lohan? It's not like he walked into a sorority rush party and exposed his under-carriage. He was escorted from a University of Texas fraternity party – he's lucky he didn't get revenge-branded with a giant "UT" on his backside (look up Bevo). Rice makes this closer than 26 and the Marching Owl Band (MOB) leaves College Station with a state trooper escort (look up the "The Halftime of Infamy").

ULL @ Arkansas -11

Arkansas takes on the SunBelt version of Bobby Petrino – Mark Hudspeth. Fortunately for Hudspeth, Petrino now coaches in the SunBelt. Maybe he will wear a neck brace? A lot is riding on Hudspeth's last season at Southwest Louisiana – he won't tell you that, but The Line King just did. If he wins big he gets a gig in the Big 12. If he just gets by, Conference USA comes calling (but is that really a step up?). When was the last time Arkansas covered an early-season game? Maybe this year – ULM is still fresh in their memory.

Bammer -28.5 vs. Virginia Tech (Atlanta)

Bammer has ruined college football. They have single-handily turned Division I football into the women's basketball tournament: uninteresting, boring and inevitable. I am also convinced the media is so overwhelmed by the aura of Saban, the Tide could lose three games (including one to Nicholls State) and make the championship farce. They also might be able to cover this one.

Austin Peay @ Tennessee

Seriously, this might be the biggest joke of a college football game since Georgia Tech played Cumberland College: 500x worse than Nicholls State @ Oregon.

Georgia @ Clemson +2

This is a classic battle of two historically underachieving programs, but a great opening weekend match-up. If the Dawgs fall, look for a total tank – it's assumed that Clemson will tank at some point this season, so a loss is less likely to cause on-campus rioting. The Tigers cover and FireMarkRicht.com gets 456,643 hits after the game.

LSU -4.5 vs TCU

A Sea of Purple descends upon Jerry's World. The biggest question isn't what the line is, it's whether or not any of the players on the field will be indicted during the game. LSU does very well in Dallas and it's too early for Les to spend too much time tailgating and making boneheaded fourth-quarter decisions. Take da'Tigers and choot'dem Horned Frogs.

Wazzu @ Allbarn -16

Who made this match-up?  Makes no sense and does anyone care other than Mike $live and Paul Finebaum (the $EC is sooooo much better than the PAC 10 - just ignore Kentucky, the Mississippi schools and Missouri)? They can gloat for a week after The Plainsmen pound Wazzu. The Barn fans will go home thinking the magic is back. Take Barn, Gus Malzahn, War Eagle and throw lots of toilet paper.   

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